Women's Moon Wisdom Podcast Intro - Rebecca Rankin (00:01):
Stories teachings and guidance. Welcome to the Women's Moon Wisdom podcast with your host. Rebecca Rankin.
Rebecca Rankin (00:18):
Welcome back to the Women's Moon Wisdom podcast. I'm Rebecca Rankin. Today. I'm gonna share a little story of my personal struggle with imposter syndrome, as it relates to my place in the running world. I'll also share a story with you about my worst training plan and how it yielded some big revelations. I love running, but I'm not a runner. This is the statement that I would tell myself over and over again, and even tell others. In many ways it was to offer myself an out in case anyone was thinking in their head, 'She calls herself a runner and whos she to call herself one.' And of course, no one is thinking that. And let's face it, if they are, it says more about them than it does me. And that tip of judgmental individual, probably isn't in my close sphere of friends. But last, this is where imposter syndrome sneaks in.
Rebecca Rankin (01:14):
It's that vicious cycle that goes through our minds and is incredibly prevalent with women. I read a study that stated 75% of executive women report having personally experienced imposter syndrome at certain points in their career, somewhere along the lines, we are made to feel unsure of ourselves. And perhaps somewhere along the way, we start to second guess ourselves, and second, guess our feelings, even in the most seemingly small ways. And that uncertainty then trickles in where you don't expect it. Like, am I a runner or do I just enjoy running? So for me, that uncertainty crept in with my running. So here I am, as someone who loves running and by now long distance running has been a part of my self care practice for over 20 years. Yet I'm nervous to call myself a runner? From an outside perspective, I can see how one might see my enjoyment running and call me a runner.
Rebecca Rankin (02:13):
Yet, I often felt like I didn't have the right to call myself one, like somehow I was a fraud. I felt like I didn't meet all of my self-selected standards in my head that qualifies someone as a runner. To me, a runner is someone who logs their miles and keeps track of their progress and speed. They use special apps to document their runs and then share 'em with others on social. A runner has all the tech gear, like special running socks and special watches and earbuds and sweat guards and chafing lotion and hydro-vests and physio tape. A runner is constantly on a training plan for the next big event and has already signed up for the next two years of events. A runner has specific pre and post run protocols. While this was at one point a certain belief I had about runners. I deep down knew that this wasn't entirely true, that there was something deeper that made someone a runner. That there was some kind of unsaid and in a way undefinable bond that everyone shared that connected us all as runners.
Rebecca Rankin (03:24):
And it all came unraveled in my last running event, where I may have had the worst training plan ever, or as I called it, my zero cares training plan. Over Memorial day weekend, I had the honor to run the Traverse City Bayshore Half Marathon. It was the first big running event I had participated in since before the pandemic of 2020. This particular event was one that I looked forward to since even before I moved to Northern Michigan. I remember being pregnant with my youngest while we were still living in Pittsburgh at the time, and I was looking to see if there were any half marathons that went along the coast of Lake Michigan. I came across this one and the course had me saying, yes, this is the one! And if you aren't particularly familiar with Northern Michigan, oh, it's beautiful. It's so beautiful. It's rolling hills, trees, lots of beautiful lakes.
Rebecca Rankin (04:21):
And of course the Great Lakes and this course, the Traverse City Bayshore marathon goes along with the coast of a peninsula of land called Old Mission Peninsula. And Old Mission Peninsula is a landscape of wineries rolling hills, trees. And it's just surrounded with these grand views of the blue waters of Lake Michigan. It's awe inspiring. It's breathtaking. So after my entry for the Bayshore half marathon had been deferred for several years due to the pandemic. It was finally happening. And honestly, I must admit, I had lost my momentum. I had gotten used to running just for the sake of running and not with some end goal in mind. Over the past two years during the pandemic, I was just enjoying, running without thinking if I met my weekly mileage or if I was adhering to my training plan. Honestly, the most planning I had been doing was to run in alignment with my cycle. And honoring just the ebbs and flows of my hormonal shifts to guide like when I do longer runs and when I do shorter ones.
Rebecca Rankin (05:29):
But at this point like that type of cyclical living is just kind of second nature. So I didn't even really have to plan much around it. And, and I do run all four seasons, which means I run in the snow and freezing temperatures. And I'm gonna admit it here: running in the winter months, it might actually be my favorite. And I know some of you listening this might sound awful, especially those who have not acclimated to cold and snowy winters. So for me, there's something about building a sweat when it's single or negative digits out, and that satisfaction of frozen eyelashes. It's the quiet of the streets as the snowfalls or the crunching sound of your footfall on the icy snow beneath your feet. It's, it's beautiful. It's a sensory experience. And side note, I organized what's called the Frigid Bitch. We started it back in February of 2020.
Rebecca Rankin (06:23):
So right before the first lockdown of the pandemic in March of 2020, and initially it was a half marathon, 10k and 5k in the coldest month, February and ends with a cold plunge where we cut open a hole in one of the frozen local lakes and jump in. And then due to the pandemic, the past two years, we kept it super lowkey. And under the radar, it turned into just a few female friends of mine running a 10k and then plunging into the river in town afterwards. This past year, it was a balmy negative eight degrees Fahrenheit. So you can imagine how invigorating that run was and how invigorating that plunge was. So even with the Frigid Bitch run, I wasn't really adhering to any training protocol, I just ran when I felt like running. Then about nine weeks out from the Bayshore half marathon, it hit me that I should probably change tactics and start to follow a half marathon training plan.
Rebecca Rankin (07:20):
I had one that I'd used in the past and, and wrote down the days on my calendar that I was to run a certain mileage. And honestly, that was probably as much as I stuck to that training plan. Please know, I do not recommend doing this, honor your body, honor what works best for you. Anyways, I kept with my habit of running when I felt like it. And then just maybe sprinkling in some longer runs in there. I was running only about twice per week and intentionally trying to make one of those runs long one and some weeks I didn't even do that. So then here we are about four weeks out and I started to actually feel incredibly stressed about all of this. Since I knew that I didn't wanna come out of the half with a wrecked body and a distaste for running. But the more pressure I put on myself, the more I didn't wanna do it.
Rebecca Rankin (08:19):
So with a little advice from a friend of mine, I did the only thing that made sense in the moment. I took the pressure off myself. I reminded myself, I don't have to do the run. I could sell my entry or see about switching to a 10k instead, knowing that I could easily run that distance with the little training that I had done. And you know what, I immediately felt relief. I immediately felt the joy for running come back in. Just that simple mindset shift brought the joy of running back into my heart. And this is interesting, that mindset shift of taking the pressure off myself, gave me the freedom to enjoy my running. And I actually started running long distances and honoring my commitment to running more, right by taking the pressure off. I was actually doing more, all the while in my mind, I knew that I didn't have to do any of it.
Rebecca Rankin (09:18):
And I further stamped it in by telling my friends who I was running with, that I was just going to play it by ear what my plan was. Even my family, I let them know that I would decide kind of at the last minute. And it felt liberating not to hold myself so tightly. By loosening my grip on the idea of not being able to stick to a training plan and changing my mindset from one of failing my training, to one where I could allow more joy back in and continue with running for the joy of running. I was taking the pressure off myself. I felt free. And the long runs that I was doing actually felt great. So I was a week out from the event and still unsure of what I was gonna do. In my heart, I really wanted to run that course and I didn't wanna put it off for another year.
Rebecca Rankin (10:08):
So deferring didn't feel like the option I wanted to do. So a week out, I told myself, I'll run 11 miles and if my body feels good, then I'll go for it. If my body isn't feeling it, I know my answer. So I was up in Marquette, Michigan, which if you haven't been to the upper peninsula of Michigan or "The UP" as it's called, it's some of the most gorgeous landscape. Anyways, I was up in Marquette and I ran 11 miles along Lake Superior with some pretty good headwinds the second half of the run. And afterwards, I felt great. My body felt good. I had my answer. I was gonna honor the commitment and do the Bayshore half. And I had no expectations for PR's. I just wanted to complete it. So the day of the event arrives and I still had this underlying feeling of I'm not prepared, but I'm gonna do it anyways.
Rebecca Rankin (11:07):
And as I arrived to the events and everyone's gathering, I felt the sense of imposter syndrome sneaking in. When I see all the runners decked out in their physio tape, their fancy watches and all the gear, talking about their training runs and what race they're running next. The thoughts in my head, crept in of who am I to be here - I barely even trained for this event. We line up at the start corral. You can feel the sense of anticipation and excitement across the sea of people. You can also kind of feel the uncertainty of everyone as to how their journey ahead will unfold. What walls will they hit and how will they move through these obstacles? And as soon as we start, the patter of feet pounding the pavement and this feeling of unity, as we ascend the first hill together, as one large mass of individuals, my voice of reason, my, my higher self reminds me that I too belong here.
Rebecca Rankin (12:06):
I too am part of the whole and physically this race was physically challenging, yes, my legs were tired. Yet, the most challenging aspect was my inner dialogue. That was the hardest part for me. I use a nose breathing protocol while I run, which if you aren't nose breathing throughout the day, please do. And you can read all about the reasons you need to, and the health implications, check out James Nestor's book "Breath". Anyways, I breathe through my nose while I run and have a cadence that I set with my breath that helps me maintain my proper pace. It feels soothing to my nervous system while helps me be even more in tune with my body. Yet the mental journey was one that was incredibly challenging. I typically don't listen to music while running, but I knew that during like large events like this, I, I like to have headphones in just to kind of mute the sensory overload of, of, of people all around me.
Rebecca Rankin (13:07):
So, even just that extra element of having headphones in was starting to get on my nerves. And yet taking them out was felt like too much, too. I just felt myself then going into deep dark corners of pulling my shadows out to face them. While in my everyday running, I can find this an exceptional way to do some deep inner work. Yet. During this half marathon event, it was proving to be just overwhelming and mentally exhausting. At one point I was really grappling with my desire to walk and with my ego side of myself, that was telling me that I don't walk in these events. And after wrestling with it a bit, I leaned into the thought, 'who's gonna care if you walk a block?You have nothing to prove to anyone, especially yourself.' And you know what? I walked. I walked for a block and honestly it felt amazing.
Rebecca Rankin (14:06):
And even just, it was just a short amount of time. It was just long enough to reboot and yet not too long to make it hard, to start running up again. Yet leaning into what I was feeling so repelled against, was the antidote was, was the remedy for the inner struggle in that moment. And I, and I finished the race and actually did better than I had initially thought I would've done. It certainly wasn't my best time, and it also wasn't the worst, which I had expected since I had no training plan in place. Yet the profound insights I gained made it feel like I got so much more out of this event than the other ones that I've done. And the waves of emotions that I feel during these events and even after is always profound. At one point, midway through the run, I was in tears.
Rebecca Rankin (14:59):
I was thinking of the inner walls that I was hitting emotionally. And then recognizing that I'm pretty sure everyone there, one point or another was hitting different, yet similar, inner struggles. You're out there with a lot of time on your hands. And it's a lot of time to be with yourself and to work through things that come up and seeing everyone cross the finish line. No matter the time it took to get there, you're also witnessing their own personal triumph, whether it was running for the first time or achieving a PR or just saying to themselves, 'I have nothing to prove, I'm gonna do it with no expectation.' It's humbling. Seeing people of all backgrounds, genders, abilities, coming together to do something challenging for themselves while being supported by each other in a community. There's no doubt that I too belong here and maybe I'm not a runner or at least in the way that I was previously, self-defining it.
Rebecca Rankin (16:02):
Maybe I just need to redefine what a runner is to me. And perhaps that imposter syndrome will dissipate as I feel more certain and sure of myself as a part of the greater running community. Perhaps a runner is someone who enjoys running across the landscape of the earth and feels liberated from the trapping of their mind by running. And a runner is one who uses their time running to do deep inner work, to be a better person. A runner is someone who feels grounded in their body when they tune into the rhythm of their breath and the cadence of their pace, a runner is someone who enjoys activating the primal side of themselves as they run. Maybe I am someone who loves running and maybe I don't fit the mold of what a runner looks like. And yet maybe it's up to me to redefine what my defining characteristics of a runner is.
Rebecca Rankin (16:57):
And perhaps to be a bit more esoteric to take it, the phrase that we are all spiritual, being, having a human experience and fit it into this context. Maybe I'm a spiritual being, having a human experience. And part of that human experience is enjoying the movement of my body on long runs across the landscape of the year. Well, that's all I have for you. Thank you so much for listening. And hopefully you got something out of it. Hopefully somewhere in there, you saw yourself reflected in my share. And as always, if you feel that you know, someone who could get something out of the podcast, feel free to share it along to them. I look forward to connecting with you and talking to you next time.
